10 Things I've Learned in Our First Year of Marriage

1. Make plans and throw them out the window.

For example: the much longer, less ideal labor we experienced last week and celebrating our first anniversary in sweatpants and a newborn baby for a shirt.

2. Consider his dreams and chase them together.

Daniel is GREAT at this--he's always encouraging me in my goals and offering to help in any way he can.  Without him, this blog and photo business wouldn't exist--he constantly reminds me to keep a "What's the worst that could happen?" attitude about putting myself out there, which isn't always in my nature.  He has no interest in writing or photography, but because he has an interest in me, he invests himself in it and cheers me on.

3. Take opportunities to miss each other.
Daniel and I spent a few nights/weekends apart this past year when one of us was traveling for work.  Even though there are many nights we don't even touch (hey, I've been pregnant all year and not always feeling super cuddly), I found it incredibly hard to fall asleep without him. At the beginning of the year I'd try to talk myself out of missing him--"Married or not, I'm still an independent woman!" Blah blah blah. I eventually realized giving in to pining after my husband made me stop, reflect, and appreciate him and our life together so that when we saw each other again I was excited and affectionate rather than coldly self-sufficient. 

4. Kiss hello and goodbye.

Every morning when Daniel leaves he leans over our bed to kiss me. He's had a crazy busy year at work and could easily let that consume him, but this small gesture makes me feel like he's still mindful of putting me first.  Because of that, I try to be downstairs and undistracted when he gets home so I can open my arms and ears to show appreciation for his work ethic and that I missed him throughout the day.

5. Throw away your expectations.

This one. This one is my struggle.  Daniel could book us a trip around the world for my birthday, but if I was hoping for fresh flowers, I'd act disappointed.  Get rid of your rule book on how your spouse should love/surprise you and just be together.  If he does something out of the ordinary to express his love, great! If not, don't punish him--instead, appreciate how he takes care of you on a daily basis and keep his love languages in mind, too.  He might be putting in more effort than you realize.

6. Keep learning.

You may live together, but you don't know all there is to know about your spouse. Don't let yourself get bored, because there's no reason to--ask lots of questions and try new things together.  Lately Daniel and I have been doing a lot more childhood storytelling--having Edie here and dreaming about experiences we'd like to give her is making us reflect a lot. And it's fun! I love learning about the experiences that made my husband the man he is.

7. Hug/kiss/touch after an argument.

You may not want to (I usually don't), but it works--I promise.

8. Be needy.

Everyone likes to feel like an expert on something, I think.  Don't try to do something your spouse is better at by yourself.  I don't know how many times Daniel has asked me, "Why didn't you ask for my help?"  after I failed at a project.  We all want to feel needed, and working on something together reminds us that we're on the same team.

9. Budget for the unexpected.

Again--a baby, for example. Or your kitchen plumbing getting backed up two days before your due date.

10. Remember who made your spouse.

Before you let yourself think your husband is pretty much the worst/most annoying human being on the planet (I mean, how dare he leave a few pieces of cereal in the sink? He obviously did it just to show how little he appreciates you cleaning the kitchen when he was at work!), remember whose he is and the vows you made between the three of you.  Is it worth it?

Cheers to year two and fighting to keep the newlywed feelings alive! 

-J

NewlyWednesday: Kyle & Nataley

This week you get to hear from yours truly - N

10 Things I've Learned Since I Got Married

1. It's only going to get harder if you make it hard

I was told several times that the first few years of marriage were the hardest. I do understand why people say that---you start living with a man ha jk-- It is an adjustment for sure but wasn't that hard to do especially when coming off a wedding bliss high. For me, there were and still are plenty of times that I make situations and conversations way harder than they need to be. These 'hard' times are almost 100% caused by our own selfishness getting in the way. When I think about Kyle's feelings and try and figure out what is going on in his brain---which sometimes I never do figure it out---I'm able to take a breath (say a prayer) and make a potential argument diffuse into a constructive conversation.

2. Figure out each other's love language

We are still in the process of defining our primary love languages but we have a pretty good idea. I've touched on the languages in a past post here. You need to know how your spouse most effectively feels love so that you can communicate it to them. I've learned that Kyle needs quality time together even if that means watching a movie together or spending that hour before bed to unwind together. This has been hard for me because my family is very intentional about family time and conversation. If we are together, we are talking pretty much constantly. I didn't even notice we did this until I started spending time with Kyle and his family watching movies or just being a little less talkative. I have been trying to put down my crochet hook or computer when this time is available and learn a new love language.

3. Intentionally be happy

I'm the queen of bad days and I've just recently made a realization that isn't a 'thing' Yes, things might not be going the exact way you planned but being in a bad mood will most definitely transfer to your spouse and can ruin a perfectly good time together---it only takes one person. 

4. Be supportive

I know this has been touched on by a lot of the girls but it is very important. There are several different ways to be supportive---talking highly of your spouse in and out of their presence, helping them achieve goals on small or large scales, intentionally learn about their interests, and be there at the end of the day regardless of the outcome. If there is a problem, it may not be best to try and figure out how to fix it--your spouse may just need your support to help carry them to find their own answer.

5. Play to your strengths and situations

When I say this I'm thinking of how Kyle is doing full time school and working close to full time hours. This is A LOT and he is doing it to better our future. So, that means I can get off my lazy behind and keep up the house and be in charge of the bills along with other things. Being in charge of the bills would naturally be one of Kyle's strengths but due to our current situation I took them over. I think strengths evolve with situations so it helps to be in constant communication about your roles.

6. Don't compare your relationship to others!

I think all of the girls have touched on this and I'm glad they did---it shows that we ALL struggle with this. I am very passionate about this point because I think our age group who are seriously dating, engaged and newly married have been influenced in several ways by the internet. With Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, blogs galore, the world is full of photos and status' to see and be envious of. Sometimes I don't even notice that I'm comparing or falling into envy until later it will trigger a feeling of discontentment or unhappiness in my marriage. Things can look pretty perfect in cyber space but don't be fooled! Everyone has situations that are less than perfect and I don't think "having it all together" really exists. I don't have an answer to this struggle but I have been trying to cut back on my social media usage along with altering my mind set and I've noticed a difference even in how I act with my hubby--primarily because I spend more quality time with him rather than my internet!

7. Be submissive

This is a hot topic because to a lot of the world the word submit has taken on a derogatory meaning. In the bible, to submit to your husband can be another opportunity to worship the Lord. 

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. -Ephesians 5:22-24

I'm not saying it's easy but joy and love come from being submissive to your husband. I've also noticed his respect for me only continues to grow when this happens.

8. Continually learn about each other

We all change and grow and have experiences that teach us things. I know I've changed since last week! How awesome is it to share these new things with your spouse. Which also means being open and aware of times to share these things. Take these new interests and fun ideas to your spouse first and keep some of them just between each other. I've witnessed many times when gals share every detail of their lives with a close girl friend or parent and their husbands get left out. I know both Kyle and I appreciate when we come to each other first and get to share in a special time together.

9. Take vacations

Life can get crazy and tiring---go on a vacation! I don't mean spend $3,000 going to Hawaii for a full week--unless you can because Hawaii is definitely on our bucket list. But going somewhere other than your house can give your marriage and life some rejuvenation. Don't take your computer, use your phone only when you need it and just be together. My parents always made sure we went on some sort of vacation as a family every year and I want to continue the tradition because I think it is important to have that time to create memories and learn new things about each other.

10. Don't be afraid to be goofy

Don't be self conscious with one another. No offense, but chances are you are both big dorks. Marriage is this awesome thing that allows you to be completely yourself with the love of your life-- have fun! If that means jamming out to the Pitch Perfect soundtrack or busting out in a wrestling match in your living room--so be it! (Is that weird?) 

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I hope and pray these points about marriage do not overwhelm anyone but instead be a reminder that these things don't come naturally to everyone. Marriage takes effort and there is no perfect marriage model--we are all different people with unique personalities!

Love you guys

-N

NewlyWednesday: Sam & Eric

Today's 10 Things post warms my heart in a way I so desperately needed! This week has been crazy cold and I haven't gone in to work because of icy roads, so reading Sam's take on marriage was SO refreshing at this stage of cabin fever.  :) I just met Sam a few short weeks ago, but she is quickly becoming a sweet friend.  And she and her husband Eric are one heck of a team! Daniel and I so look forward to spending more time with them.

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10 Things I've Learned Since I Got Married

1. Pray together daily. 

This is a habit that took longer for us to build than we expected, and it was frustrating to constantly recognize how we were neglecting this. It was hard to pin down the right time of day to do it, because I am a morning person and was able to focus before work, but Eric was more of a night owl at the time while I would fall asleep while we were sitting on the couch praying. But just like anything in the Christian life, it's not all on your shoulders to get it right, and the Lord was faithful to help train us in this area of our marriage. I feel like this really started to be a normal, consistent thing for us right after our first anniversary. This is when we started experiencing the most spiritual warfare specifically in our relationship, as opposed to in the outside pieces of our life (jobs, friends, etc.), and prayer was the only defense we knew. We became more passionate about praying for each other throughout the day, as well as praying together in the mornings before work. (Eric started getting up earlier so that he had more time to wake up - and get coffee in his system.) 

 2. Speak affirmatively about your husband in public – whether or not he is present. 

It's easy to be around a group of people who complain about their spouses and just join in without thinking twice about it. No one is perfect, and I know my husband wouldn't claim to be so. However, when we are in groups together, or I am having a night with the girls, or even just one-on-one time with a friend, I don't want to use that time to vent about the annoying thing he did that morning, or I don't want to blatantly correct him if he has wrong information (which I have done, and I instantly regretted when I saw how it hurt him). I want my words to be positive. Even the funny stories I tell about him need to be ones that don't humiliate him, and if I share something about him that I haven't shared before, I try to ask him afterwards if that was okay or if it came across the wrong way. We both feel like we had some odd moments in our pasts (for example, our freshman years of college, he was addicted to weight lifting and protein shakes, while I had Spiderman sheets and wore boys' cargo shorts), and it's fun to laugh about with others, but make sure you do so in a way that still affirms your spouse and gives him respect. 

 3. Sex. 

In the words of John and Stasi Eldredge, "You need to do it. Often. In a way you both enjoy it. Immensely. If this isn't the case, then you need to deal with why it isn't. 'Cause you need to do it. Often. In a way you both enjoy it. Immensely." I have a feeling we will always be working on this aspect of our relationship. As incredible of a piece of the puzzle it is, it isn't easy, and the enemy (as well as our flesh and selfish desires) tends to interfere in every way possible. It's amazing how what happens in the bedroom affects so much of your relationship outside the bedroom. I feel like this topic isn't talked about enough in premarital situations, because sexual intimacy is so much harder than I ever anticipated or feel like I was warned about - but it also provides some of the sweetest moments in marriage and enhances our relationship in ways I could never have imagined. 

 4. Invest in your own personal walk with the Lord. 

John and Stasi Eldredge say that this is the greatest gift you can give your spouse, and I 100% agree. Everything goes back to this - if you are walking with the Lord intimately, it will affect how you serve your spouse, and your motivations, and how you respond to conflict, etc. etc. P.S. I promise we have read marriage books besides Love and War; this one just seems to have some of the best quotes. 

(Sam writes on this topic on her blog, also.  Check it out HERE.)

 5. Communicate expectations. 

The most common source of tension for us is unmet expectations, whether it is what we are going to do on a date night or how we are going to spend our Saturday morning or even who is going to contact the landlord about the flooded basement. If we have a free night during the week, and especially when the weekend approaches, we intentionally ask each other what they had in mind for that space of time, and we share our goals with each other. This helps us solve any conflicting plans, as well as be able to encourage the other person to help them make time for something they really want to do. 

 6. Ask questions about each other. 

We were told in premarital counseling, as well as in almost every marriage book we have read, to always be a student of your spouse. Always be learning. I know Jordan and Daniel found a cool Q&A journal they are doing together. For Eric and I, we have questions printed onto pieces of paper that I keep in a little zippered pouch in my purse, and we can randomly pull out questions while we are at dinner or on a road trip or whenever. Some are serious, some are funny, and they help us continually find out new things about each other, or discuss topics that we don't always think to talk about. 

 7. Find things to do together other than movies and going out to dinner. 

It's easy for us to get in that rut, especially in the winter when it's cold outside, but one thing we do is make a bucket list of things we want to do during different seasons or times of the year. It's fun to cross things off our bucket list, and it provides some help for planning dates. For instance, we had some date plans fall through at the last minute in December, so I went to our Christmas bucket list and saw that we hadn't built gingerbread houses yet. We went to the store with a set, small budget and bought candy and graham crackers and frosting, then went home and put on Christmas music and built a gingerbread house together. Then we had to defend it from the dog, who was licking his lips the entire time we were working on it. 

 8. Keep track of what God has done for you. 

In Joshua 4, God tells the Israelites to build a memorial of rocks taken from the Jordan River after He stopped the water's flow so that they could cross. He tells them that it will be a sign among the people, and when their children ask what the stones mean, they will have a chance to tell the story. In the two years that we have been married, God has done some incredible things. Some are as small as our kitchen table (which, was a big deal at the time, since we had previously been eating dinner on our rocking love seat and trying not to spill), and some are as big as Eric finding a job after a few months of unemployment. But we have them all written down in a little booklet, which we can look back through when we are discouraged to remember how God has shown up in the past and to remind us of His faithfulness. 

 9. Spend intentional time together during the week. 

Between our jobs, and church events, and parties (and one day, kids), most of our intentional time happens on the weekends. Date night is Friday night, and during the week we can easily find ourselves brain-fried from the day, or too busy to even get one-on-one time. We started a habit of a Tuesday morning coffee date. The day of the week sometimes changes, but we get up a little earlier than normal and go to a coffee shop to have a mini-date before work one morning. This gives us a touch point during the week to know how the other person is really doing, and it's a fun way to start our day. Some of our best conversations have happened on these mornings, and depending on the time of year, we get to watch the sun rise together.

 10. Don't be discouraged that romance is different when you get married. 

When we were dating, Eric came up with some pretty amazing dates. However, since being married, it is harder for him to find time to plan and organize those dates - or he will plan them, but the execution will be off. One of us can be in a bad mood. Or sometimes it just feels "off." 

We can get discouraged and feel like the romance is gone from our marriage, but it's not. Romance isn't just the fancy and creative dates - it also involves things like Eric surprising me by doing the dishes while I am in the shower (we don't have a dishwasher, so this is a big deal!) or me finding his car in the parking lot at his work and leaving him a note to discover after he gets off work. Once, he knew I was having a crazy day at work, and I wasn't sure that I could even get away for lunch, so he called in to order me a sandwich from my favorite restaurant and had them deliver it to my work, already paid for. 

 We do still have some pretty incredible dates (I am anxious to see how he will top last year's Valentines Day because it was awesome), but sometimes it's more of the daily things that prove to be the most romantic.

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Thank you so much for being so transparent, Sam! Daniel and I have a lot to learn from you two. :)

-J

NewlyWednesday: Kalyn & Kyle

Happy Wednesday, friends! The middle of the week has become much more pleasant since we started our 10 Things series--I love reading what all of these pretty ladies have to say about life and marriage.  And today is no exception! Kalyn is a sweet friend I made at OBU.  She's currently in grad school and just celebrated her first anniversary with her husband Kyle, who you can tell really believes Kalyn is the most beautiful woman in the whole world (I'm not arguing with him!) by the way he treats her. :)

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Hi everyone! My name is Kalyn, and I became good friends with Jordan while attending OBU. My husband Kyle and I got married January 5, 2013, so we just celebrated our first anniversary a few weeks ago! We just bought our first house at the end of November, and are really enjoying life together. Marriage is such a blessing, and I’m happy to share 10 things I’ve learned from it thus far!

10 Things I’ve Learned in My First Year of Marriage

1. Encourage each other daily.

-In marriage, and in life, you are going to have ups, and you’re going to have downs. You should be the first person to encourage your spouse, both in the good and the bad. For example, I’m in grad school right now, and there are days when I feel so overwhelmed with everything I have to do. Kyle is always the first person to encourage me, bring my spirits back up, and get me thinking straight and positively again. This is so important!

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up…” 1 Thessalonians 5:11

2. Forgive quickly.

-Guess what? There will be times when you and your husband disagree, upset each other, maybe even hurt each other’s feelings. But you don’t have to remain in your anger and hurt. Talk about it, listen, and try to understand where the other person is coming from, and then forgive. And forgive quickly. As cliché as this may sound, life really is too short to stay upset with the love of your life, or anyone for that matter. Kyle and I just can’t stay mad at each other for very long. We have found that we are so much happier when we don’t. (This may sound like a given, but I think it’s something you have to realize. : ))

3. Be supportive of each other’s work.

- You don’t have to understand everything your spouse does at their job (Kyle is a credit analyst…trust me I don’t know a whole lot about analyzing credit.)But support him in it. I mentioned previously that I’m in graduate school right now. I’ll be honest, there are some days when I question myself as to whether I’m even doing the right thing career wise, whether I’m good enough, whether this whole grad school thing is worth it, etc. Thankfully, Kyle has been SO supportive. He’s so encouraging, and so supportive about what I’m doing.

4. Do things you both enjoy together!

-Life these days seems to be so busy. Busy with jobs, school, activities, just life. It’s important to slow down and just enjoy life together, doing fun things you both enjoy. For us, it’s things like watching the Sooners beat Alabama at our home, going to Thunder and OU games, playing sand volleyball together and more. Whatever it is that you both like to do, do it!

5. Embrace who you and your husband are together and don’t fall into the trap of comparison!

-We are all different. Different people, different couples. What works for others might not work for you, and that’s okay! Don’t fall into the trap of comparing yourself to other couples, thinking that what others have is better than what you have. It’s not healthy, and it’s not true.

6. Be each other’s venting ear.

-Sometimes, life can be hard. You might have a bad day at work, or someone might frustrate you. Be that listening ear for your spouse. And know that he’s that for you too. Whatever it is you need to talk about, or let out, you can do that in the private, personal safe haven of marriage.

7. Try new recipes together!

-Food is a part of your daily life. Why not make it fun and interesting together? We have tried so many new recipes together, and it’s so fun! Plus, it’s something to look forward to after a long day of work.

8. Be each other’s voice of reason.

-Sometimes it’s a good to have another person’s opinion, or level of reasoning when you’re not thinking so straight. What better person for that than your husband? Or you for him?

9. Exercise together!

-Exercising is good for you, so if at all possible, do it together! Kyle and I always feel so much better after a good run, and it’s something that bonds us together.

10. Enjoy the phase/season of life you’re in RIGHT now.

-In life, it’s so easy to look to what’s next. In high school, it was fun to look forward to college. In college, it was fun to look forward to graduating, and so on. However, it is so important to enjoy where you’re at in life right now. If you’re anticipating having children, that’s exciting! But don’t rush your life away. Enjoy the special phase of life you’re in right now, because you’ll never get it back. And God’s timing is perfect. So whatever phase of life you’re in, enjoy every moment of it, right now. 

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Thank you so much for sharing with us, Kalyn! Congrats on your first anniversary and new house :) You and Kyle are so sweet together!

-J

NewlyWednesday: Taylor & Sam

I am EXTREMELY excited to bring you a new post in our 10 Things I've Learned series today, because Taylor's words get right to the heart of things.  Even though I didn't know her that well at school, I creep her life on social media often because she and her husband are for real adventurers!

Hey there! My name is Taylor, and I went to college with Jordan. I married my high school (and college!) sweetheart, Sam, in 2011. 

After graduating and traveling for a bit, we’re now privileged to work together at a ministry called 3DM, nestled in a sweet little beach town in South Carolina. I’m delighted to share with you some of what I’ve learned since we tied the knot!

10 Things I've Learned Since I Got Married

1.  Communicate, communicate, communicate some more!

            Talk about everything; nothing is off limits. Sex, money, parents, your period, fears, joys, annoyances. Let your husband know if he’s hurt your feelings, or if you’re scared or angry or confused. Speak clearly and honestly. Miscommunication so often sneaks into a marriage and causes unnecessary pain and frustration. It doesn’t have to! 

           

2.  Commit to being in love.

            You don’t fall into love and become forever engulfed by desire and passion; passion is fickle, and it comes and goes as it pleases. When you feel bored, when excitement dies down, when you don’t feel like having sex or even cuddling, commit to finding ways to reconnect. Choose to stay in love, even if you’re not feeling it at the moment.

3.   “Comparison is the thief of joy.” - Theodore Roosevelt

            Comparison latches onto most women, and it’s hard to ignore. The truth is, there have been times where I actually believed I was less of a wife because I’m not the best cook, my house is rarely completely clean, and I basically always forget to do the laundry until I’m frantically searching the house for clean underwear. Lies like this creep in and steal your joy when you compare yourself to other women. There is always room for improvement (a friend of mine patiently gives me cooking pointers, and I’m starting off slowly as my husband’s sous-chef), but never feel the need to be someone you’re not.

4.  Remind each other of God’s goodness.

            After Sam and I graduated from college, we took a little adventure to Europe for five months. We served in local ministries in exchange for food and accommodation, but by the end of the trip we were running out of money. All along the way, we had generously been given unexpected provision, but I still felt anxiety wash over me when I would see the numbers decreasing rapidly on our bank statements. Every time I would start to panic, Sam would remind me of God’s goodness during our whole trip. Sometimes you (or he) will need a little encouragement and reminding of God’s love and faithfulness.

5.  Spend money.

             Spending money on gifts for your spouse and yourself is important. Now, this is dangerous territory, so I want to make myself extremely clear: spend money on things you can afford. Saving is crucial. Budgeting is a necessary and smart thing to do (you’re an adult, for goodness sake). As you save and budget, don’t deprive yourself of exciting adventures, a sweet date night, or surprising him with tickets to see his favorite basketball team (Thunder Up!). Enjoy your life and have fun!

8.  Respect how your spouse rests.

            Sam can be at a large dinner party and talk to dozens of people into the night, and he’ll feel refreshed and energized at the end! He likes to go outside and run, play sports, and build things. I, on the other hand, love to spend a whole day writing music, doing my nails, reading books, and watching TV (Sam likes to call some of this “unproductive.” ;) But he loves me for it!). Sometimes we rest with other friends or on our own, and that’s OK. Resting is vital to your spiritual, physical, and mental health, but it will not necessarily look the same for both of you. Learn and respect how each other rests.

           

7. Be a family on mission together.

            I can’t take the credit for this one - the people I work with and do life with at 3DM are the ones who taught me this life lesson: be a family on mission. Together. Pray about ways you and your spouse (and your children, if you have them) can bless the people you’re in contact with every day. Offer to host a movie night for the kids in your neighborhood. If you live near a college, invite some students over to do laundry at your home. Get to know the elderly woman down the street, and ask her to come with you and your husband when you go to the grocery store. As a family, get to know those around you. Invite them into your family, and share Jesus’ love as you do.

[If you’re interested, there’s a book coming out soon all about being a Family on Mission! I love it!]

8. Be in community.

            Yes, there are some things that you should keep private. Some things need to be special, just for you and your spouse. But it’s still important to invite your community into your marriage and surround yourself with other people who love you and want what Jesus wants for your life. You’ll learn from them and they’ll learn from you, and when things get tough you’ll need people who are willing to honestly speak words of wisdom into your marriage. And when times are great, they’ll celebrate with you!

             

9.  Marriage takes sacrifice.

            Sometimes we gladly sacrifice, but honestly, sometimes sacrifice hurts. Pray for God to give you a word to stand on, a word you can cling to in trying times. He is faithful.

10. Cheesiness is happiness.

            Sometimes you’ll be halfway to your destination and realize you’re wearing the same outfit. Embrace it! Turn off Netflix and dance around your living room, tell corny jokes, make up rap songs together. Be silly! Just have fun and let the inside jokes and memories be created. :) 

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Thank you SO much, Taylor, for being so transparent and letting us get to know you and your man! Your insight left me feeling both convicted and excited to be a better wife.  You're the sweetest!

-J

NewlyWednesday: Kaitlyn & Jacob

          I'm so excited to introduce you to another sweet friend of mine--Kaitlyn! Kaitlyn and her husband Jacob host the young couples small group Daniel and I are in, and we just LOVE them.  Kaitlyn tells it like it is but does so with grace and love, and Jacob doesn't hide how much he adores her and values what she has to say.  I admire their relationship a lot.  AND they're expecting their first little one in a couple of months--eeek! 

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10 Things I've Learned in Our First Year + of Marriage

1.Let your husband be the man. 

              I know we have all heard it many times that men require respect to feel loved. Feeling respected and like he is the head of the household will be a great motivator for him to show you the love you need in return. For some of us strong-willed independent ladies (myself included) this can be a learning experience. In the end we should trust and submit to our husband knowing that he is seeking God’s wisdom for your family.

           2.  Eat together. 

                 After the dating is over and the “real world” of marriage arrives you will have to start fixing meals at home. Preparing dinners together is our catching up time. This is usually when we share about our day and do a little venting, too. This is precious alone time before you have kids.

               3. Let him know you are praying for him. 

                 I pray for my husband several times a day. It is your duty as a Godly wife to consistently pray for your partner. I don’t do it often enough, but send him a text to let him know that you are approaching the throne on his behalf. If you aren’t praying for him, then who is?

               4. Love each other’s families. 

              When you join lives with another person, you also join their family. Accepting and understanding another family’s dynamic can be one of the most difficult parts of marriage. It is important to always have a loving and honoring heart toward your spouse’s family no matter how difficult it may be. They aren’t going anywhere ;)

                5. Have sex. 

                 I know this is not one that most of us need much convincing on! Marriage is possibly the most intimate decision you will ever make. Not just sexually. You are committing to live in the same place with the same person for the rest of your life on earth.  They will know things and see things, the deepest inside-your-soul type of things. A great way to share this intimacy is by having sex with your spouse.

               6. Be best friends. 

               Your spouse should be your favorite person to spend time with. I’m not saying that having friends is not important, it is. It is ok to have your girl friends, and he to have his guy time. But the time you spend together should be most valued. Pray for the Lord to give you couple friends. This way you can spend time together while cultivating relationships with others. It is helpful to have like-minded couples to do life with.

               7. Fight fair. 

         You will fight. We are humans, and as humans our occasional selfish responses cause us to conflict with our spouse. As a wife it is important to know that your words can make your husband feel disrespected, and in return his words can make you feel unloved. This is the vicious cycle of an argument. Again, for those of us that have stubborn personalities, being the first one to apologize can feel like drinking poison. But spending time praying for a spirit of gentleness is important, and being the first to concede is to be more like Christ.

             8. Pray for others. 

                Spend time praying for other married couples. This marriage thing is hard, and praying for God to bless other marriages is important. Marriages are dying all the time, so lets do what we can to help them thrive.

             9. Understand his love language. 

                 Find out what makes your spouse feel the most loved. Is he “words of affirmation” or maybe “physical touch?” Learn how to make his day--whether it’s a gift or just spending time talking. You are the person he comes home to everyday--let him know you missed him and are excited to see him.

        10. Exercise together. 

                    Find something active that you both like doing, and do it together. It’s fun and it makes you feel good to exercise. 

-Kaitlyn

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Thank you all for the sweet responses to yesterday's post--I appreciate your encouragement and excitement for us very much!

-J

NewlyWednesday: Laura & Daniel

Today we have our second post in our NewlyWednesday series, and I'm so excited to share it with you! Laura has the sweetest heart and was one of the first to jump right into helping our Pennies and Rocks wedding campaign, and Daniel and I are forever thankful.  Speaking of Daniel--she's also married to one, so don't get confused. :)

Hey blogosphere! I’m Laura, and I’m married to my main squeeze, Daniel. I went to OBU with Jordan and Nataley, and I also had the privilege of donating some of my own wedding décor to Jordan for “A Wedding for Pennies and Rocks.” Such a neat project!

Daniel and I just celebrated a year and a half of marriage + a year in our neat 1920’s house on December 9th, so I’m no marriage expert. But I’m honored to be featured – shout out to Jordan and Nataley for trusting me to keep all this fame from going to my head. :)

10 Things Nobody Told Me About Being Married

1. Your families, while they may have similarities, are probably very different.

I am a true Southerner, born and bred. Daniel was born in the South, but his parents are both from the North – Wisconsin, to be exact! I grew up eating fried chicken; Daniel grew up eating brats and sauerkraut. I grew up saying “y’all;” he grew up saying “don’t ya know.” (Not really.) All kidding aside though, when you bring two people together from two different families, it requires a little A LOT of grace, a good sense of humor, and willingness to compromise. Daniel and I both had preconceived ideas about how to handle certain situations because of what our parents did. Most of the time, we both think “my way” is best because we’re already accustomed to it. But we are our own little family now! We are a blend of two families, figuring out through trial and error what works for us and our future kids. Sometimes we do stuff my family does. Sometimes we do stuff his family does. And sometimes (GASP) we do stuff that NEITHER family does.

2. It’s easy to stop learning about each other.

At the start of any friendship, learning about the other person is easy because there is so much to learn! You want to know everything about that person – their favorite food, the music they listen to, what they would do in case of a zombie apocalypse, etc. You don’t imagine that you could ever run out of things to talk about. But when you marry this person and settle into an everyday routine, it is just as easy to believe you’ve already learned pretty much everything there is to know. Um, NOPE! You will ALWAYS have more to learn! Don’t become too lazy to pursue your spouse. Ask new questions. And ask the old ones again, because the answers may have changed! I spent an entire year thinking that Daniel’s favorite candy was still Cookies and Cream Hershey’s bars, when, in fact, he had found a new love – Riesens. I would never have known if I hadn’t asked again!

3. You have to put the toilet seat down…every…day.

Seriously. I really think it’s every day. I am dreading the day that I walk in the bathroom in the middle of the night and forget, and just fall in. (Addendum – literally three days after I wrote this, I almost did. I barely caught my balance in time.) Overarching point: sometimes, they will drive you absolutely, positively, I-just-want-to-lie-facedown-on-the-floor crazy. But…*reality check*…you drive them crazy too.

4. Comparisons are dangerous.

I think all of us know that person. The girl who constantly posts via social media how much she loves her man, how her boo sent her fifteen bouquets of flowers this month, how they just built a new mansion, her engagement ring is 4 carats, and he bought her a car ‘for no reason.’ In those moments, you might start to think “My husband doesn’t ____. My husband isn’t ____. My husband won’t ____.” DANGER DANGER DANGER. Do not entertain those thoughts. Step away from the jealousy, sister. Social media only gives us one side of marriage: the side that is posted publically. Typically, the pretty is posted and not the ugly. Things might look great on the surface, but their marriage may be struggling behind the scenes. You just don’t know. So PLEASE don’t get sucked into comparing your marriage to someone else’s by using Facebook or Instagram as your measuring stick. Take time to remind yourself why YOUR guy is so great and why you fell in love with HIM.

(Side note – don’t go to the opposite extreme and start hating on someone else’s relationship just to make yourself feel better about your own. Let’s be classy, folks.)

5. SO MUCH comes down to expectations.

This is a big one, guys. I’m about to get super honest, so bear with me. Before I got married, my expectations about sex were super skewed. Media portrays it terribly – either it doesn’t matter at all, or it’s the only thing that matters. Either way, according to our confused culture, it’s this incredibly perfect euphoric experience. If you grew up in church, you probably did True Love Waits or something similar, and you heard over and over to save sex for marriage, save sex for marriage, SAVE IT FOR MARRIAGE ALREADY. But they never really tell you why to save it, so you spend your whole life wondering and waiting. And then, you get married and go on a honeymoon, after wondering and waiting, and you finally realize WHY they tell you to wait. You wait because it ISN’T a perfect euphoric experience! But when you marry the right person, it’s okay that it isn’t. It’s okay that it’s awkward and funny, because you know that they love you. You know they care more about YOU than they care about themselves. You know that when you wake up the next morning, they will still be there.

This is just one example of many, but my point is that expectations can change everything. Talk about them together. How often should the laundry be done? What kinds of things should you buy together and what things are a waste of money? Not everyone has the same opinion or upbringing as you. Make sure that your expectations – about kids, about the future, about who is ‘supposed’ to take out the trash – are realistic. If you don’t talk about them, at least one of you will spend a good part of your marriage either frustrated or disappointed because something didn’t live up to his or her expectations.

6. Sharing is caring.

This sounds silly, but I truly didn’t realize how much I would be sharing when I got married! Yet another reason to make sure you marry the right person: you share everything but your toothbrush. It took some adjusting for me! I spent my whole life using my money, spending my time hanging out with my friends and driving my car, and basically doing whatever I wanted. When you join forces, “my” becomes “our.” We don’t just share kisses and information anymore. We share a mailbox. We share a refrigerator. We share a bed. Good grief, we spent what seemed like 17 years kicking each other every night and fighting for covers before we finally figured out how to share our bed. HA! Being married means lots of sacrifice. I’m guessing the only thing that will require even more sacrifice is having kids.

7. Don’t forget to appreciate the little things.

People always say this, but there’s a reason they say it. It’s because IT’S TRUE. Real life isn’t full of extravagant trips and fancy dinners. Sure, those things are nice occasionally, but when you only have two weeks of vacation a year and you have bills to pay (which is…hmmm…all of us?), you can’t afford to do stuff like that all the time. That’s where appreciating the little things comes in. For example: Daniel brought me a Dove chocolate bar today for no reason. I put his towel in the dryer so it’s warm when he gets out of the shower. He cleans the stovetop (a job I absolutely HATE). I make his favorite food for supper. Little things can be just as meaningful when you do them out of love. Train yourself to watch for those moments and thank your spouse for his or her thoughtfulness!

8. Marriage is fun!!

Whenever Daniel and I were engaged, I remember hearing “Marriage is hard work” a lot. Every married person I talked to said it. Only a few told me that being married was genuinely fun. Don’t get me wrong – it is hard work. But it’s also GOOD hard work, and it truly is fun! You create inside jokes that no one else gets. You can travel to all sorts of places with your best friend by your side. You know exactly how to cheer each other up and make each other laugh. (I get SO much joy from making Daniel really laugh.) You can be silly and weird, singing in your ugly voice and dancing around the house in your underwear like an idiot with no fear of judgment. You guys…….I’m telling you. It is so. much. fun.

9. You really don’t have to be miserable unless you want to be.

Every day, we are presented with the same choice: to walk in joy or in bitterness. Regardless of your circumstances, you can choose to have joy and be thankful for what you have. I know couples who have experienced things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy – debilitating cancer, children dying, and declaring bankruptcy, to name a few. The reality is that awful things happen, but our reactions (good or bad) speak volumes to our spouses and to the other people around us. It’s just another way to imitate Jesus through your actions, really. When you have a terrible day and you drive home to an unmade bed and a dirty kitchen, praise God that you have a husband to cook and clean for. When you’re irritated because supper is getting cold and your husband still isn’t home from work, praise God that he has a job to help provide for your family. Managing to keep a good attitude in the midst of a frustrating situation is hard, but it can make a world of difference.

10. Sometimes, YOU are the one who needs to change.

I know you grew up doing things a certain way. I know that your way is “the best way.” But…can I be blunt? Sometimes, it isn’t. Believe me, I’m speaking this to myself too. It’s okay for someone else to be right sometimes. If you’re like me, you have a hard time admitting when you’re wrong. If Daniel and I argue about something, I’m more likely to dig my heels in and wait for him to apologize first. But honestly? That is incredibly NOT like Jesus. If my goal during marriage is to be right more or to win more arguments, I’ve already lost. Sometimes, you are the one who needs to change, not your spouse. I pray often that God will make me a godly wife. Lately, I’ve been in a season where God is pointing out a lot of things He wants to chisel out of me, and one of those things is selfishness. I’ve never used the word ‘servant’ to describe myself, but I want to. And the more I listen to God’s voice and allow Him to change my heart, the more I become like Him.

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Thank you for sharing so much wisdom with us, Laura! :)

-J